Yo, Zurda

Como cuando, tras haber pasado una mala noche, con pesadillas horribles, despiertas y notas las serpientes moviéndose dentro de ti.

Sólo que esta noche he comido caramelos de café y, tras un fogonazo, la ausencia.

Qué ricos estaban los caramelos. Los comentarios con segundas intenciones no merecían disculpas. El problema es que hasta en sueños soy demasiado correcta. Con lo divertido que sería no serlo. Como en esa película. Una vida para ser yo, y otra para serlo sin tapujos.

El calor me hace soñar con cosas fresquitas. Como un espejismo. Cada vez que oía algún cuento sobre espejismos me entraba una sed terrible. Se me llenaba la boca de arena del desierto. Ahora sueño con ventiladores y agua y piscinas, y cuando despierto me duele la cabeza del calor.

También había tallarines. Qué ricos estaban los tallarines.

Estoy preocupada. Y dispersa, pero eso suele ser más a menudo.

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Qué tonta soy. Claro que tengo aspiraciones. Claro que las tengo. Es sólo que son unas aspiraciones a largo plazo, y a veces me parece que nunca llegaré a donde quiero llegar.

Pero llegaré.

Tarde o temprano, y ya sea de una forma o de otra.

No soy bipolar, es sólo que hay momentos en los que me doy cuenta de que igual no soy tan tonta como creía.

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Nada destacable.

Absolutamente nada destacable.

Nada destacable desde los últimos… ¿cuatro meses?

A nivel psicológico, no a nivel sentimental, no nos confundamos.

Siento que podría morir mañana mismo y no dejaría ni la más mínima huella de que existí.

Siento que, si muriera mañana mismo, me sentiría completamente inútil allá donde se vaya después, tras este historial de vivir sin vivir.

Y es que es muy bonito imaginar que de pronto un día las cosas van a cambiar, que voy a dejar de estar cansada sin ni siquiera esforzarme, pero en el fondo sé que no me serviría de nada, no se puede luchar por un destino incierto. No puedes luchar por algo que no sabes qué es. No puedes desear que el futuro llegue si no sabes qué esperas de él.

Y cada día es igual que el anterior, y cada día es igual que el siguiente, da igual que haga frío o calor, nada merece la pena ser contado… Excepto las pocas horas que alguien me saca de la rutina.

Los jueves, si no me falla la memoria, eran los días de la música. Pedro, el profesor, nos animaba a llevar cintas de la música que solíamos escuchar. Sí, cintas, fíjate si hace tiempo. Solía tocarle siempre a los mismos, a los que hacían más ruido y gritaban más, por eso de hacer que guardaran silencio durante unas valiosas décimas de segundo prestándoles un poco de atención. Un día, como regalo por ser la mejor de la clase, supongo, y la única que prestaba atención, además, me tocó a mí llevar la música.

Era la época de las Spice Girls. El reggaeton todavía no existía, gracias a Dios. El pop chorra tipo Aqua también les gustaba mucho. Y todo lo blandengue que hacía gorgoritos les emocionaba, como es el caso de los Backstreet Boys, además de la música para hacer coreografías. Yo no bailaba. Yo no jugaba a la Spice. Mis amigas (las dos) desistieron al poco de preguntarme a cuál de todas me pedía. Siempre me han dado grima. Así que, evidentemente, no llevé algo del agrado de las masas.

Recuerdo una frase de mi madre que pasará a la historia de mi vida: “¿No van a pensar que eres rara llevando eso?”. Como si no lo hubieran pensado ya. Estoy segura de que incluso mi madre lo pensaba.

El caso es que el profesor puso mi cinta. Y los violines sonaron y llenaron toda la clase. Y me dio igual qué dijeran de mi música esos imbéciles. Hoy he vuelto a escucharlos, y me he sentido volar, igual que entonces.

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